You know the importance of investing time, energy and resources into self-development, and of building trust and accountability in the business.
But do you place the same level of importance on your most critical and hopefully longest relationship – your life partner?
I know the importance of a successful relationship with your life partner through my experience with my wife, Melinda. I could not have achieved the same career or financial success without Melinda by my side for over 40 years.
We’ve worked well together to raise three amazing daughters – Sophie, Emily and Paige – who are all now in their thirties, married, having children and achieving success in their own
careers.
As with any relationship, it takes ongoing commitment to make this work. Melinda and I have had considerable challenges to navigate during my 25-year CEO career including a total of 11 country moves and 29 house moves.
We have been fortunate to have had great mentors and role models who have helped us to understand and recognise the importance of making your life partner your partner.
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A disciplined leader is a role model for your tea
Booz Allen was a top-tier consulting firm in the mix with McKinsey, BCG and Bain. It was purchased by PriceWaterhouseCoopers (PwC) in 2014. I loved my time at Booz Allen; I was there for six years, built strong relationships with my colleagues, and enjoyed the work thoroughly.
After six years, they promoted me to principal; a role that is theoretically undertaken one or two years before a partnership would be offered. However, I left Booz Allen because I looked at the partners and, in my opinion, saw few healthy long-term relationships.
Most partners worked extremely long hours with little control over their lives, as they were always on call for clients. Many partners were divorced, and some of them multiple times.
Maybe I was wrong in blaming the work for their divorces, but I could not see enough role models at the partner level to encourage me and inspire me to stay.
You are likely to be in a relationship today. Maybe you’re married and have young children. I’m certain you are time-poor, with many demands on your time. However, you can be both an impactful leader and a supportive partner, but it takes a deliberate approach.
Alternatively, you may think, ‘I’m not in a relationship today. The most important thing in my life is the startup I’m creating’. This may be the case, but it will change. If it doesn’t change, you may find yourself financially successful but very alone.
Approaches to building a true life partnership
First, read through this list yourself and consider the suggestions. Then read it with your partner and discuss it to learn what resonates with them:
- Communication is key: Open and honest communication with your partner instils a feeling of trust and security. Listen, intending to learn and not to fix. As CEOs, we often jump in and try to fix issues with advice on what our partner should do. Ask your partner whether it’s okay for you to give an opinion or advice. They may say no. We’re used to problem solving, but that may not be what your partner wants or needs. Holding back and simply listening may be the most valuable support you can provide. If you feel there’s tension, there probably is.
- Choose your battles: Neither of you will always be right, and not every discussion needs to end up with you being right. Determine whether the argument is worth your energy; if not, simply say, ‘That’s fine with me’, even if your competitive nature wants to continue debating.
- Turn towards each other: During hard conversations and tough times, turn towards each other, not away. When it’s a tough conversation, sometimes the tendency is to think this is too hard and walk away. Turn towards each other physically and say, ‘Okay, we need to resolve this’.
- Agree and communicate the non-negotiables: Perhaps this could be your Friday date night, reconnecting every week or two. Maybe it’s children’s events you must attend. Maybe it’s exercise time for both of you. What are your non-negotiables? Be clear and hold firm on the agreement.
- Involve your partner in understanding your business vision, but don’t make them part of the stress: I’ve always spoken about my business challenges and successes with Melinda, and she has been an intelligent and unbiased sounding board for me.
- Make time for each other: The easiest ways are date nights a few times a month, or a regular Sunday morning walk together. Although you are spending time together, you may not be connecting as it is easy to fall into a conversational routine, such as only discussing your kids or your aging parents or work challenges. To mix things up and connect on new topics, agree not to talk about family and work. Sometimes, it’s good to have them as veto topics.
- Celebrate: Be your partner’s number one cheerleader, not their critic. Be the one to hold them up and show appreciation. Reflect on whether, and how often, you are doing this. Remember also that minor acts of appreciation – like a handwritten note, or a simple ‘I’m proud of you’ at the right moment – go a long way in strengthening the bond.
These behaviours might differ from how you’ve approached relationships in the past, so focus on the areas that feel most natural to you today.
- This is an edited extract from Dane Hudson Discipline beats Vision: How to be the leader your company needs starting Monday (Wiley, $36.95), available at all leading retailers, and Amazon.
